THE BACHELORETTE EPISODE 3/4: The CHADLORETTE

Hi! My name is Bri and it’s bestie takeover week! Kaitlyn and I are best friends who have known each other for over 20 years. We grew up across the street from each other in good old Leduc (Alberta, Canada) and somewhere along the way, our brains morphed into one. You know how it is with your bestie. That’s us too.

kaitlynxbri

So that’s why, while Kaitlyn is on vacation in Hawaii (not jealous AT ALL), she asked me to live-tweet and blog about The Bachelorette for her. I may not have the same level of inside information as her; being that she was actually The Bachelorette last year… but I did force her to apply for The Bachelor, then will her in my mind to become The Bachelorette, fall in love, and get engaged to a sweet stud like Shawn. Therefore, I’d like to think I had a liiiiittttle something to do with it.

So if you’re still with me, let’s recap these back-to-back episodes!

Well, they’ve officially changed the name of the show from The Bachelorette to The Chadlorette! No they didn’t, but they should have. Actually, ABC went with the promo tagline: CHADageddon! Also appropriate.

In Monday’s episode, we saw a one-on-one with Chase, a one-on-one with James Taylor, and a group date full of aggression with a side of whiny baby, so let’s power through those individual dates and get to that fiasco.

First, Chase and JoJo took a hot yoga class and the whole time I was worried about her sweating all her makeup off, but by some miracle, she didn’t. Their instructor began their one-on-one by asking them how long they’ve been intimate, which is awkward considering it was their first date, but still not as awkward as tooting in downward-facing dog. It happens. The class ended with a steamy make-out session between JoJo and Chase, because what else do you do when you’re straddling the guy during a breathing exercise one inch from his face? No surprise that the date ended with a rose because… did you see Chase?

Later, (I realize this is out of order but I’m getting it out the way) James Taylor and JoJo took an old-timey dance class with the cutest little gem to ever appear on the show since my bestie, Kaitlyn… a sweet soul named Jean who also happens to be a 92 year old dance teacher! Honestly though, I was more in love with Jean (which wasn’t hard to be) than I was with James Taylor and JoJo’s chemistry. As much as I think James Taylor is probably a genuine, nice guy; his screen time so far has come off more like an audition for The Voice. The guy is talented, yes! He’s just way more likely to leave the show with a recording contract than a romantic relationship with JoJo is all. That’s still a win, right?

For the group date, Chad, being Chad, was pissed that his name was actually ON the group date card which the guys took to mean that he didn’t want to spend time with JoJo. Chad simply just didn’t want to spend time with THEM, but of course, he overreacted by verbally attacking everyone in the room, as Chad does.

The group date took place at some sort of a ‘Sex Talk’ show, where funny people were supposed to share hilarious sex stories. (Still waiting on those hilarious sex stories.) The scene reminded me a lot of Kaitlyn’s comedy date with Amy Schumer, aka the best group date idea in Bachelor/ette history. But it’s too bad Amy wasn’t there to help some of these sad schmucks out with what NOT to say (Daniel, you randomly cut someone’s hair during sex, wtf??) or put any of them in their place the way she did with JJ. Amy, you’re missed.

After some cringe-worthy anecdotes, Evan, as an expert in the erectile dysfunction profession, decided to direct his “sex talk” to Chad and the dangers of steroid use. Oh, he went there. Immediately following this, Chad, clearly unhappy about being not-so-subtly accused of juicing, pulled on Evan’s shirt like a grabby giant toddler. Immaturity all around.

Then, it was Chad’s turn to hit the stage (not literally, although it would have been believable) but instead of sharing a sex story, he asked JoJo to join him so he could unknowingly humiliate himself. In a fail of a smooth move attempt, he tried to kiss JoJo in front of the other guys but she turned her cheek, denying him. At least Chad took it well! Wait, no, he didn’t, he punched a door. Way to show everyone you don’t have roid rage.

This entire incident eventually led to Evan’s ultimatum with JoJo. We’re talking the third episode in and this guy is giving The Bachelorette ultimatums. Basically Evan told JoJo that if Chad stays, he goes… Dude, that’s risky and I’m shocked that not only did JoJo keep Evan, but she also gave him the group date rose?! That’s nothing but a pity rose, Evan. Chad wasn’t impressed either but when he made a scene, JoJo basically told him to shut it. Yes, JoJo, loving the sass! I know the sassmaster herself, Kaitlyn, also would have told Chad to, “Zip it. Zip it good.”

Meanwhile, due to all of Chad’s threats and outbursts, the Bachelor producers apparently hired a security guard (or an actor to play a security guard, were we supposed to believe that guy could take Chad??) in case he attempted to murder his roommate Derek in his sleep, or something. At the same time, Daniel, the Vancouverite we wish we could kick out of Canada, asked Chad to take it down a notch by starting a conversation with the words, “Let’s pretend you’re Hitler.”

Daniel, this is exactly why we want to fire you from your job as a ‘Canadian’.

At the end of the episode, when Chris Harrison showed up to announce there would be a pool party instead of a cocktail party, Evan followed him outside to tell on Chad (and sidebar: if this hosting the Bachelor franchise thing ever ends, Chris Harrison would make a great elementary schoolyard mediator.) Harrison had a chat with Chad next and asked him to play nice so… problem solved! Chad happily agreed and skipped away in the sunset holding hands with Evan.

Actually, no, he threatened to cut off everyone’s limbs.

CLIFFHANGER.

In Tuesday’s episode, we began with Chad’s weak attempt at settling things with the guys to which Evan demanded a new shirt and an apology. He received neither, only a scoff from Chad and the empty promise of, “I’ll give you 20 bucks.” Somewhere Evan is still anxiously waiting for that e-transfer, password: rawsweetpotato.

At the pool party though, the energy finally seemed a lot more relaxed for a change. Evan also got the first of two bloody noses he would get in this episode. No, Chad didn’t make him bleed, Evan got that all on his own. Hmm… promos aren’t always what they seem, are they?!

Also noteworthy was JoJo and Jordan’s moment by the pool where, just by their body language alone, it’s obvious to see he’s way ahead of anyone else in JoJo’s mind. Hey Evan, worry less about Chad and more about Jordan.

Seemingly everyone else, including Derek, just used their time with JoJo to complain about “the Chad bear”, which he overheard and called Derek out for. Derek stood his ground though, as best as one can when dealing with someone so irrational. The real victim was the inflatable pool flamingo Chad kicked.

But even after everything that went down, Chad would last at least another week because at the rose ceremony, JoJo eliminated Christian, Ali, and Nick B. Yes, Santa would have to take the old sleigh back to the North Pole instead of Pennsylvania where the guys were off to next as they left the Bachelor mansion for good.

In Pennsylvania, Luke got the only one-on-one date of the week, which required him to chop wood in order to heat a wood fire hot tub. Why does such a thing exist?? The most amount of work I want to do before getting into a hot tub is pour a glass of wine. Luke also opened up to JoJo about his time as a platoon leader in Afghanistan and how losing a close friend in action shaped him to be the man he is today. It’s clear JoJo is into Luke, as is the rest of Bachelor nation.

Cut to the next part of their date which involved JoJo and Luke slow dancing / making out on a raised platform at a concert while hundreds of people recorded with them with their phones. It’s crazy that this show can edit that to look romantic, because that sounds like my nightmare.

Next up was the group date at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh. The guys were split in to two football teams, blue and white, and the stakes couldn’t have been higher. (I said stakes not STEAKS, Chad. Get outta here.) The winning team would get to spend more time with JoJo, and the losing team would have to go back to the hotel and listen to Alex and Chad’s pre-2-on-1 smack talk, so nobody wanted to lose.

We were reminded yet again that Jordan has pro quarterback experience, so of course he wasn’t going anywhere. But it had to be James Taylor (team blue) who fought the hardest to stay after he got a football to the face and refused to leave for medical treatment. But hey, he did get to wear a cool head bandage with blood trickling down his face. Meanwhile Evan (also team blue), well, he just got another random bloody nose. Dude, I’m worried about you. Even so, the blood team, I mean BLUE team, ended up winning.

All that mattered about the blue team’s extra time with JoJo was that make-out session between Robby and JoJo on the pool table. (Oh HEY Robby, look who is in the running now.) Yet, it was Jordan who got the group date rose. You could actually pinpoint the moment Robby’s heart ripped in half, just like Ralph Wiggum’s when Lisa Simpson publicly rejected him.

Finally, the moment everyone was waiting for… the 2-on-1 with Chad and Alex. This would be an unappealing wilderness hike full of uncomfortable silences on a cold, wet day. Aren’t they always the best? (And never between two contestants who stand a chance anyway, like Kaitlyn’s with Joe Bailey and JJ.) However, the morning of the date, Chad overheard Jordan talking about him, so he did the most unreasonable thing he could think of. He threatened Jordan’s safety, essentially handing Alex the golden ticket he needed to stay. Chad should have just pinned the rose on Alex himself after that.

So of course, when the time came, Alex told JoJo of this threat. Instead of immediately cutting Chad loose though, she actually got very emotional and struggled with her decision to let him go. She definitely felt for Chad since his mother passed away only six months prior, but at the same time, she just could not condone the threats of violence, especially since Chad didn’t exactly deny it. Therefore, Alex got the rose. Anyone else think he was more happy to see Chad go than he was to kiss JoJo? Who will he and Evan obsess over now?!

Back at the hotel, the guys celebrated when they saw Chad’s luggage being take away until… uh, Chad seems to not actually leave at all as we see him lurking at the door.

CLIFFHANGER AGAIN. This time, we have to wait two weeks to see what happens.

Maybe he just wanted a meatball for the road?

Alright, thank you for reading and following along with my tweets during bestie takeover week. It was fun, even if I ruffled a few feathers. Oopsie! Some people weren’t pleased when I chirped Evan for tattling. I just think both he and Alex needed to focus on their own relationships with JoJo instead of constantly fixating on someone obnoxious.

As for Chad, I’m just relieved he wasn’t cast on Kaitlyn’s season. Think of all the other BS she was put through, imagine adding a “Chad” on top of everything else?! Hey, odds are Ryan McDill could have been the Chad of her season, but I guess we’ll never know.

I’m just glad she found Shawn through it all, and I hope JoJo finds her man too. Looks like she’s on her way…

Anyway, you get your girl Kaitlyn and all her honest / hilarious insight back to recap next episode. Thanks for having me! 🙂

xo Bri

3 thoughts on “THE BACHELORETTE EPISODE 3/4: The CHADLORETTE

  1. Deanna says:

    You did a great job and I can see why you are such good friends….sense of humor on point.

  2. Jackie says:

    I agree with everything you said!!! It’s crazy. Thanks for taking over & letting me know I’m not the only one who thinks that the men were better off focusing on Jojo! At least ABC is getting half the season from Chad!

  3. Raquel says:

    Yes, nice job!

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