Okay, I might be a little late to the party – but it’s better late than never, right?! It’s been one heck of a week and I’ve finally had a sec to spill my thoughts on Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette.
I can’t tell you how excited I am for this new season. I’m happily passing the torch – and by “passing the torch”, I fully mean forcing JoJo to take it. I physically threw it at her and screamed TAKE IT!!
When my season was airing, I dealt with overwhelming anxiety every Monday (and Tuesday through Sunday). I was eager to see my love story with Shawn unfold, but experiencing scrutiny from what felt like everyone over EVERY tiny thing I did – from my appearance to my choices – was difficult. I’m happy to have done the show, because it inevitably led me to Shawn. But once the season was over – we were so glad to finally just be together. The constant scrutiny died down and we were free to enjoy our time alone. When you’re in love, all you want to do is shout it from the top of a mountain – or accidentally Snapchat it. Whatever.
I imagine JoJo might be feeling some of that all-consuming stress right now. Girl, you’ll get through it! If I can, anyone can. And I already know JoJo will be a great bachelorette! So guys, take it easy on her.
With that said, let’s take a look at the first week!
The episode reminded us that on The Bachelor, Ben told JoJo he would never blindside her – and then he kind of did. And by kind of – I mean he straight up blindsided her. Hey, it happens. Some of us unlucky ones know what that feels like from both sides. Neither is fun. So, I think by now America and JoJo are all, “Ben there, done that!” (DANGIT, I’m going to miss the Ben play-on-words, but there are just as many JoJo puns to come). It’s time to move forward with 25 new men for JoJo, but first, a little advice from some pretty sweet former bachelorettes.
HEY, WHY DIDN’T I GET THAT?!
First, I told JoJo that my only regret was living in the moment so much that I didn’t take the time to breathe and take a step back. Being the bachelorette is like being in a glass case of emotions. When you’re always living in the moment, it comes with stress, confusion and anxiety.
By the way, I didn’t realize we were supposed to dress up for that! #ChucksAllDayEveryDay.
What you didn’t see was that after we gave JoJo her little pep talk, everyone left except for me. I waited around to give advice to the other bachelorette – but then I realized THERE’S ONLY ONE THIS YEAR! My bad. So, I made myself useful – cleaned the driveway, filled the limos with gas, checked that the pool was a good temperature (in case a drunk contestant were to take a plunge)– and then left.
Now JoJo was ready to meet her guys. But nobody promised they would all be decent…
Here are my first impressions! It doesn’t include everyone, just a few standouts (not all of them for positive reasons).
GRANT: the firefighter who promised JoJo he would not fall in love with two girls, like Ben did with her. Way to bring up a sore spot! And, he even thought that there were two bachelorettes this season. So, that only happened to Britt, and me huh?
JORDAN: oh, I think it’s safe to say JoJo likes Jordan. Plus, he has the second best hair in Bachelorette history. I think you all know that first place goes to Shawn to the mother effin’ B. Let’s not forget who got my first impression rose…
JAMES S: the Bachelor super fan, clearly more excited to meet Chris Harrison than JoJo herself. Buddy, you’re scaring us.
EVAN: the guy who works at an erectile dysfunction clinic and is going to run with that as long as possible. He was hitting us left and right with erection one-liners! The D innuendos didn’t end with him either. No, seriously, so many junk references this year! What’s up with that?
ALI: precious little pianist. I said PIANIST.
LUKE: cutie. We like him for JoJo, right? Sure his unicorn entrance was a little cheesy, but it caught my attention.
COCONUT: I love you.
ROBBY: takes swigs straight out of the bottle. I like his style.
WILL: hey, you dropped those cards on purpose. And where can I send you a sympathy card for that sad first kiss?
CHAD: oh, you’re coming off a little cocky, aren’t ya?
DANIEL: damn Daniel, you make it seem like we just got access to the worldwide web up in Canada – “have you been following the Internet”? Also, no, it’s not customary for Canadians to poke strangers in their belly button. We only do that when we meet the Pillsbury Doughboy, and THAT is a worldwide known fact. Finally, it’s never a good idea to strip down and jump into the pool on night one. Ask Ryan McDill how that turned out for him.
JON: the other Vancouver guy. He says he is of Scottish and Chinese heritage but assures JoJo he’s Scottish below the waist. Har har har. Girls love it when guys reference the size of their D (peppered in with some stereotyping) all in the first few seconds of meeting each other. I can’t believe he didn’t get a rose! Not.
NICK B: aka Saint Nick aka Santa Claus. First of all, I know you’re not the real Santa Claus. I’m old enough to know how it works. But I also know that you work for him. And I’m pretty sure the real Santa would fire you for that “Jo-Jo-Jo” business. No, no, NO.
(I so badly want to give you my personal picks for JoJo, but there’s a reason why I can’t. I’ll fill you in later).
Finally, we’re on to the rose ceremony. As if the first night already isn’t long enough – Jake Pavelka stalls things further by strolling in 18 hours late for our Bachelorette pep talk with JoJo! I’m kidding – he wasn’t invited to that. He crashes the ceremony and makes it terribly awkward for the guys (and JoJo). What was the point?
See you on the wings of love, Jake.
The previews for the rest of the season make it seem like there’s a guy with a girlfriend back home, another one might have anger issues and there’s a definite rivalry between two other guys. Then a bad boy tempts JoJo, she falls in love with more than one guy and someone gets a mom haircut (I made that last one up).
It all looks dramatic AF.
I’m here to tell you, it may or may not be the most dramatic season in Bachelorette HERstory. But I do hope it ends with JoJo being happy.
She deserves it!